Here are a few common themes we hear from people who are blessed with Reactor/Persister base and phase combinations:

* Having strong opinions, but tempering the expression of them in favor of harmony
* Will share their beliefs, usually when asked and when it feels safe to do so
* More likely to align with leaders who are convicted AND benevolent
* Particularly loyal and dedicated around family, friends, and close relationships. Will fiercely protect loved ones.
*Can be their own worst critics.
*Moving from normal to severe distress can cause a Jekyl/Hyde situation where they switch from a Victim Mask to an Attacker Mask or the other way around.

We invited two of our clients to illustrate through personal examples, what it’s like to have Persister/Reactor base/phase combinations. Thank you to Randy (Reactor Base/Persister Phase) and Rebecca (Persister Base/Reactor Phase) for your heartfelt and poignant stories.

Oh No. Oh No. Anthony.
by Rebecca Amis, Co-Founder, MUSE School California

When I learned my childhood friend from my adolescent years had died, I cried.  He was my sweetheart in 7th grade; he asked me to go with him – steady, that is.  And, if i recall, someone else did the asking: “Anthony wants to know if you’ll go with him?”  My answer was yes.  I think we had a very short-lived romance, less than a week.  Yet my Reactor part remembers vividly the emotions and sensory experience.

Through the years, we have stayed in touch.  We met up at our 20th high school reunion a few years ago.  I had founded a school and was living out my beliefs about how to properly educate children.   Anthony was a reporter for the New York Times, dedicating his life to honest reporting on government oppression in the Middle East.  We shared our opinions and feelings about children, education, oppression, and liberation.  My Persister base appreciated his openness to my opinions.  My Reactor phase felt valued that he still liked me for me after all these years.  We connected.

Anthony was kidnapped in Libya less than a year ago along with his photographer and other associate reporters.  He and his crew were thought to be Libyan rebels.  That was Anthony though, living out loud and determined to tell the real story of how the Libyans, the Lebanese and the Syrians were living under government oppression.  He was freed – and so many of us then held him in our thoughts hourly – sending out wishes that he be safely returned.  I cried then too.  Anthony died this month from an asthma attack as he was leaving Syria on horseback.

All weekend I have found my Persister part posting information about Anthony’s loyalty and conviction to the middle east and his dedicated storytelling.  My Reactor has appreciated the outpouring of sadness and honor which has been both beautiful and heart-wrenching.  We will all remember Anthony.  He was passionate about life.  He was a wrestler, a debater, valedictorian, a dedicated friend, a passionate and authentic writer and a man none of us will forget.  He will live on in our hearts.

To learn more about Anthony Shadid’s life and work:

http://anthonyshadid.com/

It’s Complicated
Randy Keasling, Director of Human Resources, Kidron Bethel Village

I am new to the PCM training and learning about my personality makeup has certainly
been an eye opener.  Having Reactor as my base and Persister as my phase certainly
offers some incredible strengths and also a great number of challenges.

I have always been able to reach people on that really personal level, connecting almost
instantly to folks and being fairly perceptive of their feelings.  I have often been the
type that people felt comfortable opening up to and talking to when they really need
someone to listen.  My Reactor base gives me the ability to reach out to people and offer
support and encouragement genuinely as it’s very important for me to know that people
are “OK.”

Now, add to that my Persister phase and the picture is much more complicated.  One
minute I am reaching out to someone, the next minute my drive and determination kicks
in and I am hyper focused and the person I just worked so hard to comfort and connect
with could walk right by me and I might not even know they are there.  I can go from
Reactor to Persister in lightning speed and as a result of the PCM training I am learning
what that must be like for those around me.

I have always known that I seemed to have the capacity to say hurtful things, often
without knowing or realizing what I did exactly and now, having been through the PCM
training, I realize that folks see my Reactor side which is very approachable and caring
and the next minute they might get a glimpse of my Persister phase which can certainly
come across very harsh and cold and it’s hard for them understand “what happened.”

I really am aware now of the personal struggle of balancing my base and phase, caring
deeply about people and their feelings yet having deep passionate beliefs and ideas
about things that I see as important.  I have often given up what’s important to me in an
effort to “keep the peace” and not upset someone and then I have often driven people
away by crusading about things that I feel so strongly about.  Try visualizing a teeter
totter and it feels like I am on both ends.

Being aware, of any issues is the first step toward dealing with and making sense of that
issue.  Having gone through the PCM training, I am now aware of these aspects of who
I am and being aware, I work daily to make sense of it and to temper both my base and
phase, working on not being too passive in my Reactor base but yet not too harsh and
cold in my Persister phase.  It is a challenge and struggle daily but I have made much
progress with the knowledge gained from the training and feel each day like those dual
aspects of my personality are coming a little more together all the time.

“It’s all good” I like to say and there are no wrong personality types.  My make up
certainly offers many challenges but a great number of strengths as well and while I
am far from mastering it, I work daily to be self aware and to build strong channels of
communication with the people I come in contact with.  Knowledge is power and we can
all work to use the individual strengths we have to build bridges instead of walls!  Good
luck to you as you work on building your own bridges!

In my blog titled “Taking People at Face Value,” I urged you to respond to what was right in front of you as a way to ensure the best possible communication.  Now, I’m taking it one step further – to the challenge of accountability.

Accountability is about follow through.  Doing what you say you will do, finishing what you start.  At the most basic level, accountability boils down to motive, or intention.  Intention that is made overt, aligned with desires, and acted upon results in accountability.

Accountability falls apart when intentions are not dealt with appropriately:

• when competing intentions hijack desired outcomes;
• when an intention to follow through is assumed instead of clarified;
• when ulterior intentions are assumed;
• when real intentions are held secret.

Closing channels holds others accountable.
Closing channels is one of the most powerful ways to clarify intentions, and make overt the ulterior motives that can interfere with accountability.  And, it sends the message to others that they can count on you to respond to the best intentions.  Each channel has only one true/best intention behind it.

 Channel               Motive/Intention
Emotive                 To play and accept unconditionally
Nurturative           To care without strings attached
Requestive            To ask without expectations
Directive                To command without attack

When you close a channel enthusiastically, authentically, and sincerely – using all five behavioral cues for the complimenting part, you accept, and therefore make overt the best and true intention of that channel.  No guesswork.  No assumptions.  No ulterior motives.

For example, your partner opens the Nurturative Channel with “I love you.”  You close with a sincere and appreciative “Thank you!” using all five behavioral cues.  By closing the channel, you lift up the intention of caring without strings attached.  If this was not the other person’s intention, their bluff has been called by your response.  You have sent the process message, “If you use this channel, I will count on you to follow through with caring – taking you at face value.  If this is not your intention, don’t use this channel with me.”

The key message: Close channels. Be consistent, be authentic, take people at face value, and you will raise accountability with all those around you.

Learn how to open and close channels with all personality types by attending a Next Element Process Communication Model Seminar.

The following is a guest post which illustrates how the work we do with professionals can be very personal, and often the personal benefits are the most profound.  We are grateful for this guest post and hope it inspires you!

“I come from a fairly large family.  My siblings have all moved away and for the most part, I realize that I am the closest to my parents and feel it’s my role to take care of them and “watch out” for them.    I have had a unique relationship with my parents in that I was the last of the line and they were too tired to parent too much so we really have always had a close relationship more as friends or even me “parenting” them more than them parenting me.  Having “Persister” energies as my phase, it was a role that was easy for me to accept.
Fiercely loyal to my parents, I worked hard to watch out for them and try my best to take care of them, feeling often like it was my responsibility to “save” them from what they didn’t know, or so I thought.    This involved everything imaginable but mostly involved their finances and how they spent or saved their money.

Recently, after having another conversation with my mother about an issue where I had made a suggestion and they didn’t take and implement it, I talked to my Mom and told her I was resigning.  She asked what I meant and I told her after our previous conversation about their money and how they spent it I had decided it was time for me to resign the position of “bookkeeper” for them.  I told her that they certainly had every right to spend their money however they chose to without input from me or anyone else and I told her that I recognized I had expectations that if I made suggestions on how they should handle something it hurt my feelings if they didn’t do that.   I told her I just didn’t want to have that energy between us anymore and after all these years, they deserved to have peace and do what they wanted and I was stepping away from the stress of it as well.

I absolutely recognized that this conversation with my Mom was a very different conversation than so many others that had taken place in the past.  Prior to my PCM training, not understanding the need to temper my Persister energies, I would have been preachy and grouchy and accusatory about all the things I thought they were doing wrong and I just didn’t go there with her this time.  I didn’t judge and I didn’t preach.  I told her my position with love, respecting her and my Dad, but setting boundaries for what was healthy for me as well.   It was in my mind obvious progress for me and I am proud I was respectful to my Mom but yet held my ground as well and stepped back from my perceived role as rescuer.

I completely credit the PCM training for opening my eyes to my own personality make-up and being aware of my tendency to save and rescue, especially the people I love most.  It was very healthy and very liberating that the struggle and frustration I had felt with my parents for many, many years did not have to be.  I made a choice to step away from the drama that was in large part my own fault and chose a new path.  I recognized that thanks to the PCM training, it’s okay to set healthy boundaries and it’s okay to recognize I am not able or qualified to rescue or save.  People have to make their own decisions and for those of us with Persister energies, especially when in distress, our need to rescue and save is not helpful or even healthy.

I feel very fortunate to have been able to take the PCM training and work to apply it in all areas of my life.  It certainly has given me some new tools to use and I think it has really changed my life forever!”

It’s so cool to anticipate what someone is going to do next!  You’d be a soothsayer if you could predict how someone will respond in a certain situation.  We could make millions by finding that right motivational mix to inspire each employee, target market, or prospect.

“Earth to space, come in space…” Before you apply your Process Communication Model knowledge to conquering the world, how about starting with the most fundamental challenge in your life – responding to what is right in front of you.  The discipline of PCM is about mastering the art of taking people at face value, of “seeing them for who they are,” and honoring it.

PCM offers tools for you to decode words, tones, postures, gestures, and facial expressions and adapt your approach to precisely compliment the receiver.  Doing this well will transform your patient satisfaction metrics, employee engagement scores, and lead to more fulfilling relationships.

First, learn to take people at face value.  Then let’s schedule a time to discuss changing the world!

Attend a Next Element PCM Seminar

Contact Next Element at 316.283.4200

If time structure is so important to a Workaholic, why are they sometimes late to meetings and appointments?

Answer

Indeed, Workaholics are motivated by Recognition of Work and Time Structure.  Their time is important to them, and they want others to value it.  They are driven to use time efficiently and effectively.  This is also the secret clue to their occasional tardiness.  We’ve discovered at least two reasons Workaholics are late – one is intentional, the other is accidental. 

Compelled to squeeze all they can out of every minute, a Workaholic who finds themselves with a little extra time on their hands will try to fill that time with “one more thing.”  Often, this one (or two, or three) thing causes them to be late to an appointment or meeting.  It can be frustrating, embarrassing, and counterproductive. 

 If this is you: Relish unexpected free time as a gift to be savored without any expectation of productivity.  Be early to your next appointment and take some pressure off yourself.

Workaholics who are members of groups where they perceive that time is not used well will sometimes intentionally come late or avoid the meeting simply because they don’t think it is an effective use of their time.  Maybe they’ve become frustrated that the meeting never starts on time.  Maybe they’ve tried unsuccessfully to influence how time is managed and given up.  Their solution is to spend their time more productively. 

 If this is you: Practice asking assertively for what you want from your group, and be honest with team-mates about how you feel.  Experiment using that “wasted time” to connect with and motivate your colleagues of different personality types so that whenever the meeting begins, all parties will be more cooperative and productive.

However, with my boss, the head of the agency, every time I see him all he seems to notice is what is wrong with what I am doing, or worse, he goes on the attack for his belief that I am not acting in alignment with the Mission and Vision of the organization.

My supervisor, with whom I have a great relationship, does not agree with any of my boss’s perspective.

Come on, do I really have to ask for my Boss’s opinion and meet his psychological needs (work and conviction) when I am with him?”

The answer is a resounding YES!

This is upward motivation.  Your boss is in distress and there may be any number of reasons as to why, and none of them may have anything to do with you.  The why of his distress does not matter.  What matters is that you ask for his opinions frequently, which will build up his trust (see “Closing Channels Builds Trust” blog) and meet his psychological needs (work and conviction).  This will invite him to be in a healthy space with you.

So, Yes! You must ASK for your boss’s OPINION AND MEET his PSYCHOLOGICAL NEEDS if you want to stop experiencing his distress!

“My first exposure to the Process Communication Model (PCM) was the winter of 2009.

During my first couple of hours I struggled with the concepts until one participant made the analogy that each floor was like being in a different country with a different language.  If you don’t make the attempt to understand the other languages, it is hard to communicate effectively.

Once that revelation happened I was able to connect the dots in my personal life.  I am a Workaholic.  My wife, by my own observation, is a Reactor and my youngest son, again by my own observation, was a Dreamer.  Over the years my wife had trained me to ask her how her day was, but a Workaholic connecting with a Dreamer was a different challenge.

As our young Dreamer entered middle school my wife and I began to struggle with organization, missed assignments and dropping grades. We tried in
 vain to apply Workaholic (logic) and Reactor (compassion) strategies without success.  We spoke the language of logic and feelings.  Because we were not connecting with him and not speaking his language, he was struggling at home, and at school.

Time to call in the experts.  I invited Jeff King to work with my son, wife and myself.  We met with Jeff 3 times over the course of a few months.  My son completed a PCM profile, which confirmed what I thought.  He was a base Rebel and phased Dreamer.  He wanted solitude and direction and we were giving him logic and compassion. We were living in different countries.

Jeff helped my wife and I understand how to “speak” his language while still holding him accountable.  This meant giving him specific directions and leaving him alone.
Most importantly, it gave our youngest confidence that there was not something wrong with him.  It was okay to be “him.”  This new found validation was self-motivating.  He was able, with a little help, to develop strategies that work for him.  Last report card was all A’s and B’s and he is a happier young adult.  He is also learning how to organize himself in a way that is not logical.  He is not a finished product, and he is on his way.

We have also shared his personality with some of the school staff so that they can also learn how to best connect with, and motivate him in his way.

The keys to being successful with our Dreamer phased son, are that we not only to give him directions and leave him alone (solitude).  We also do not speak our preferred language with him.  We do not speak compassion or logic with him.  It is very difficult, and yet very effective.”

- Kevin C., Wichita KS

“Knowing about a tool is one thing.  Having the guts to use it in a way that brings art to the world is another.  Perhaps we need to spend less time learning new tools and more time using them.” – Seth Godin

Read Nate’s comments about this on his blog post at next-element.com

In first degree (doorway) distress, we begin to believe that our worthiness or others’ worthiness is conditional. We move from an “I’m OK, You’re OK” place to a place where strings are attached. Drivers are the subtle distortion in thinking, revealed through changes sentence structure and body language, that conveys the message “You would only be OK if…” or “I would only be OK if…”

In second degree (basement) distress we now believe that either ourselves or others are unworthy – NOT OK. We’ve taken a position. In an attempt to get psychological needs met negatively, second degree Mask behavior conveys the message “I’m OK, You’re NOT OK,” or “I’m NOT OK, you’re OK.” These are not conditional, there’s no room for “maybe…” or “if only…”  And, once we’ve taken a position, our behavior seeks to justify this position.

The gift of PCM is that it provides the tools to recognize conditional and positional states in ourselves and others, and outlines the most effective strategies to intervene for more healthy relationships and communication.

- Nate Regier

Yes! Check out this link to MUSE School in Calabasas, CA. We’ve trained their entire faculty and staff in PCM, and consulted with them on their website.