How do you respond when a Rebel says, “I don’t care”?

Ah, few things are more hurtful and maddening than hearing a flippant “I don’t care” when you are attempting to impress upon a Rebel the seriousness of their behavior. For us Reactor, Workaholic and Persister phase parents out there, our Rebel kids sure know how to push our buttons!

What’s going on?

Rebel phase persons are externally motivated so they don’t instinctively think ahead about consequences (Workaholic), consider the impact of their behaviors on others (Reactor), or consult their values (Persister) when deciding what to do or say. Their perceptual filter is Reactions. They love to express reactions and equally enjoy eliciting reactions from others. Their currency is humor, so lively and upbeat interactions are what they crave.

When things get too serious and boring, Rebels might put on their Blamer mask and become negatively sarcastic, blameful, and blameless. One way this manifests is to “not care.” By doing so, they avoid responsibility for the emotions that resulted from their behavior. “I don’t care” also serves a second purpose of getting negative contact from parents, supervisors, and others who get sucked into the power struggle of trying to “make them care.”

What to do?

1. Don’t appeal to compassion, logic, or values. While this might drive you, it will have no impact on the Rebel in distress. You cannot “make them care.”

2. Don’t take it personally. Check your own distress at the door and accept that they aren’t going to “behave” for the same reasons you behave. You aren’t responsible for their feelings.

3. Offer their psychological needs of playful contact ONLY if you can be authentic and stay out of distress. Sarcasm won’t work. What they are feeling inside sucks! That’s OK. No need to judge it, make it go away, or require an immediate response. Do your part to normalize their feelings.

4. If you can’t muster a playful response, walk away and drop it. Don’t get sucked into a power struggle. Often Rebels need time and space to cool off and regroup without pressure or expectations.

5. If the behavior legitimately requires consequences, follow through in an open, resourceful and persistent way. Don’t play the victim, don’t rescue them, and don’t go on the attack.

6. When the dust has settled, plan ahead for ways that you can proactively offer the Rebel what they need in healthy ways to lessen the likelihood of future problems.